


On Reflection

by ThatFilmGraduate



Series: A PostSecret Collection [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: A History Lesson by Sirius Black, A PostSecret Collection, Established Relationship, Established Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Forced Outing, Gay Sirius Black, Implied/Referenced Bullying, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of The Prank, PostSecret, Remus Lupin Will Give Him One, Self-Reflection, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Thoughtful Sirius Black, Werewolf Remus Lupin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-08
Updated: 2020-03-08
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:34:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23071789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatFilmGraduate/pseuds/ThatFilmGraduate
Summary: 'I didn't think help would come in the form of a person, but there you were.'As Remus sleeps soundly beside him, Sirius reflects on his time at Hogwarts, going through his history with the other Gryffindor: covering the good, the bad and the downright horrifying.Remus/Sirius.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: A PostSecret Collection [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1613362
Kudos: 51





	On Reflection

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these HP characters or settings. 
> 
> Written: January 2017  
> Rewritten: February 2020

**I didn't think help would come in the form of a person, but there you were.**

Sirius Black studied the profile of the person lying next to him in the hospital bed, grey eyes roaming over the familiar face of his lover and confidant of the past eleven months: Remus Lupin, mischievous werewolf and worthy Gryffindor.

Remus looked so peaceful in his sleep: innocent and relaxed and beautiful. Sirius could spend hours watching the other student rest. And he had. Sometimes, when they were in the dormitory and he couldn't sleep, he would spend the time just watching his boyfriend snooze. He relished those moments of quiet. There was something about being allowed to see Remus in his most unguarded and vulnerable state that made him feel special.

Silver eyes traced over the features of his werewolf friend: over the faint scar that crossed through his eyebrow, a constant reminder of his bravery; past the closed hazel-amber eyes that held the answers to every question he had ever posed; along the ever-so-slightly crooked nose that only served to give the other student more character; eventually settling on the cupid's bow lips that tasted as good as they looked. Remus was mesmeric, and he didn't even know it.

A cool breeze drifted in through the open window behind him and Sirius curled closer to the hot water bottle that was Remus Lupin, who was wrapped up in the bedsheets and recovering from his recent transformation.

Sirius wasn't supposed to be in the Hospital Wing that evening but he had snuck in after lights-out to spend some quality time with his boyfriend. When he had gotten there, however, several hours ago, after dodging two Prefects and Peeves, he had found the werewolf fast asleep. Instead of going back and sleeping in his own cold bed, he had climbed onto the hospital cot and lay down next to the snoozing student.

An hour or so ago, Remus had woken up and they had spent some time talking and kissing lazily, both too tired for anything more, before Remus fell asleep again, arms wrapped around Sirius, effectively trapping him. Not that Sirius was complaining. It just meant that he didn't have to endure a night without his favourite person.

For the past several months, he and Remus had been sharing a bed and Sirius had found those nights to be the most peaceful he had ever experienced. But whenever Remus was laid up in Hospital or when it was close to a Full Moon, he wasn't allowed to sleep in the same bed; often because Madam Pomfrey did not want healthy people on her ward but also because Remus always felt too hot or injured to share his space. And Sirius, being the dutiful boyfriend that he was, respected his werewolf's wishes with minimal whinging and slept in his own bed.

Sirius was not a fan of those lonely nights, however. He did not like being without Remus. It made him feel uneasy and he did not like that feeling. On those nights, when he was cold and alone and unable to stop worrying about his boyfriend, he always had trouble sleeping, so he felt very lucky that Remus hadn't sent him away an hour ago. In fact, Remus had asked (wanted) him to stay and the realisation alone was enough to make him smile.

Sirius sighed contentedly and shuffled closer to the other student.

Remus was so very important to him. It scared him how reliant he had become on the young werewolf but there was nothing he could do about it. He needed Remus like he needed oxygen. But, thinking about it, it had always been like that – ever since they became friends, nearly seven years ago.

He and Remus met in their first year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. They were very different people back then.

Sirius had been lonely and wary of everyone, arrogant and unapologetic. He was the first and only Black to be sorted into Gryffindor House and that hadn't gone down well with anyone. Gryffindor students had been distrustful of him and Slytherin students had believed him to be a traitor, so he had ignored everyone until James Potter had pushed his way into Sirius's heart, quickly taking up the role of his best friend and number one supporter.

In contrast, Remus had been quiet and guarded, articulate but socially awkward. He was the first and only werewolf to be enrolled at Hogwarts (not that Sirius had known of Remus's condition back then, of course) and he had buried himself in books and schoolwork, avoiding everyone for months until James Potter, the relentless git that he was, had forced Remus to be their friend.

Sirius was grateful for James's tireless persistence. He knew he was not the easiest to get along with in the beginning. Back then, he had been very prejudiced, poisoned by the archaic teachings of Walburga and Orion Black. He had been under the impression that Muggle-borns were immoral and that Half-Bloods were beneath him. But then he met Lily Evans, who bested him in most classes, and he met Remus Lupin, who was a better person than he could ever dream to be, and he learned to think for himself and he left his old life behind.

Sirius had been a proper Black in the first few months, but Remus hadn't treated him any differently. Sirius could still remember the first words Remus ever spoke to him: 'You've spelled that wrong. Finite has one 'N' – not two.' It was so very Remus and he didn't seem to care that Sirius was of pure blood or that he was a Black. Remus had just seen him as Sirius, his roommate (and later friend) who couldn't spell 'Finite' right. It had been that – Remus Lupin, a Half-Blood with second-hand robes and scars, correcting him – that had made Sirius take notice. And it had been James Potter forcing them, along with their other roommate, Peter Pettigrew, to talk to one another and become friends.

If not for James Potter, Sirius knew that he would still believe in his parents' outdated ideologies and that he would have no true friends. There would be no Marauders and he wouldn't have met half of the amazing people he knew, and that was a horrible thought.

In their second year, the quartet created their own little tightknit family and an unbreakable bond was formed. Two notable things happened that year: first, the Marauders were created; and second, they uncovered Remus's secret and vowed to stick by him.

The Marauders had been formed after a prank on Silas Mulciber and his cronies. James and Sirius had pulled the prank, Remus and Peter had been unfortunate enough to be standing next to them when it all kicked off, and the four of them had been thrown into detention despite only two of them being the culprits.

It had been whilst they were scrubbing the Transfiguration corridor that they became a troublesome foursome. Remus had suggested not getting caught next time and when Sirius had asked how exactly they would do that (they were very sarcastic in their youth), Remus had said that it was easy. A week later, after a collaboration of four minds, they pulled off a masterful prank and none of them were caught. From that moment on, James dubbed them the Marauders and they became infamous.

A few months into second year, Peter had made an offhand comment about Remus's once-a-month absences and Sirius began to watch the other student closely, questioning him and following him. In the end, it was James who uncovered the secret: Remus Lupin, the boy who didn't like littering and who folded his socks and who caught spiders and set them free, was a Dark Creature.

That revelation had set Sirius into a very short spiral, his teachings about how werewolves were evil fighting with his knowledge of how Remus was good incarnate. In the end, he decided that Remus could never be evil and he stuck by the other boy. They had confronted Remus in the April and Remus had locked himself in the bathroom. After three hours of waiting and explaining that they didn't care, Remus came out of the en suite and the indestructible bond was formed.

Not much happened in third and fourth year. They pranked, they laughed, they went through puberty.

In third year, James decided that he was in love with Lily Evans, Sirius achieved the school record for most detentions in one term, Peter became the undefeated Chess champion of Gryffindor, Remus became an amateur photographer, and three of the Marauders decided to become Animagi.

In fourth year, James decided to pursue Lily and received more than a few hexes for his trouble, Sirius snogged Marlene McKinnon and realised he was gay, Peter got four girlfriends (one from each House), Remus became the tallest person in their year, and the Marauders began creating the Map.

Fifth year was a cataclysmic shitstorm. It was one thing after another: the incident with Severus Snape happened and the seemingly unbreakable bond that had formed the Marauders fractured; Remus refused to speak to him and spent most of his time in the Library alone with his self-loathing; Peter's mum was hospitalised and he had to leave Hogwarts for a few weeks; and Sirius ran away from home.

Only a few good things happened: Remus forgave him (after a couple of months of horrible silence) and the Marauders slowly returned to normal; Peter's mum got better; James became friends with Lily; Sirius got his freedom and accepted who he was; and in the summer between fifth and sixth years, they successfully became Animagi and revealed their Animagus forms to Remus (which in turn fixed Sirius's friendship with the werewolf and they began to trust one another again).

Remus shifted in the hospital bed, drawing his arm up to rest above his head, and Sirius was jolted back to the present.

As he stared at the other student, Sirius realised just how much he needed the werewolf. He realised that if he hadn't met Remus, his life would have been a lot worse off. Remus had saved him in so many ways.

Sirius knew that his boyfriend had his insecurities. Remus grew up isolated, hating what and who he was, ashamed of the wolf inside. Sirius knew that Remus hated his scars and that he often felt worthless. It was why he was so determined to show everyone that he could be the best; that, despite his monthly affliction, he could be just as good as any 'normal' wizard.

Sirius loved Remus's determination but hated the reasons behind it. He hated the parts of Remus that hated himself because he loved Remus so much and sometimes Remus refused to accept that. As luck would have it, though, Sirius Black was a stubborn fucker and he was determined to show Remus how much he was loved – even if it took him a lifetime because, without Remus, he knew he would not be alive today. There was a particularly low point, just after he had been officially disowned, when Remus had saved him from himself.

Despite the Incident and him being thrown out for his indecent behaviour, fifth year was not his worst year. It was in their sixth year that he hit rock bottom and Remus saved him.

It was February, a few months before he and Remus had gotten together, and Sirius had received an official letter disowning him from the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. He had run away from his oppressors in the summer between fifth and sixth year and since he hadn't been disowned in the several months between him leaving and the new year, he had thought it wouldn't happen.

But then all Hell broke loose.

In February, he broke up with this then-boyfriend Ankou Carlson (which, in all honesty, had done more damage to his pride than to his heart – he had never really been emotionally invested in that particular relationship) and his family had somehow found out about his sexuality. Upon realising that he wouldn't be producing an heir at any point, he had gotten a Howler (in the middle of the Great Hall, in front of everyone) and had been very publicly disowned. He had been burned off the family tapestry and cut off from his inheritance.

Things had spiralled from then.

In March, he had been publicly but anonymously outed. He didn't know who had done it but he suspected a Slytherin: Silas Mulciber or Evan Rosier, or perhaps even Severus Snape who had a grudge against Sirius and who had his beak in everyone's personal lives. He didn't know how they had found him out, but he knew that none of his friends had said anything.

March had been the month of Hell.

Sirius received taunts and verbal abuse everyday (mostly from the Slytherins but some of the less open-minded students in other Houses participated as well). He had been forced to be on High Alert for himself and his friends when the threats started to become serious and he started being tripped in hallways or hexed on his way back from Care of Magical Creatures. He had been able to handle the threats and the slurs. He had been able to handle the dirty looks and the 'friends' who had left him. He had been able to handle all of it – just – but when his brother had turned his back on him, he broke.

Regulus Black, his little brother, the brother who had looked up to him throughout their childhood, the brother who Sirius had protected from their malicious cousins for years, the brother who had idolised him and who he had loved with everything he had, gave in to their parents and abandoned him, and Sirius had just broke.

In April, Sirius found himself at the top of the Divination Tower. He had no reason for being there after hours. His only aim was to be somewhere else. He had just wanted to be alone with his thoughts without other people staring at him or pitying him. He had just wanted to escape from everyone, other Gryffindors and best mates included. He knew that his friends were just trying to be supportive. He knew that they were just trying to help but he had felt smothered and claustrophobic and he had just needed some time to himself.

And so, because he wanted to mope alone, he had nicked a bottle of Firewhisky from Hogsmeade and sneaked back to the castle while everyone was in the Three Broomsticks. He had begged off to the second highest Tower and drank in solitude.

Alcohol and depression, however, do not mix well, and Sirius had found himself in the ingenious idea of ending his predicament by throwing himself into oblivion. He had unlatched one of the windows and sat on the ledge. It had been a brilliant idea to his intoxicated mind; a sure-fire way to stop the overwhelming feelings from consuming him. He had been sitting on the edge and looking down at the solid ground below when Remus had found him and had pulled him back to reality with a short, "Don't do it. Please."

Remus didn't ask for much very often and Sirius had quickly come to his senses. He had pulled himself back in and closed the window. He and Remus had then sat in the Tower all night. Sirius had talked, Remus had listened. Remus didn't say anything, not when they had sat in silence for an hour, not when Sirius had cried, not when Sirius had detailed the full extent of his cruelty from other students. Remus had just listened and hugged him and helped.

When they returned to the Dorm the next morning, Remus promised he wouldn't tell anyone and he stayed true to his word. He didn't discuss the events of the previous night with anyone else, leaving it to Sirius to reveal what he wanted to. Marlene and Peter found out some of it, James found out more, but Remus became his primary confidant.

It became a routine after that: he and Remus would sneak into each other's beds or they would go down to the common room; sometimes they would talk about nothing, other times they would share their darkest thoughts and secrets; sometimes they would just sit in silence and drink hot chocolate. It was nice. It was steady. It was what he needed, and he reckoned Remus needed it too.

It was in May that their friendship turned into something else.

After the Tower incident, they became closer as friends and they learned more than they had ever hoped to know about each other. They knew each other inside out: the good, the bad, the horrifying. And one night, when they were sitting on the comfortable couches in the common room at two o'clock in the morning and discussing music, Remus had leaned over and kissed him. Sirius had kissed him back without hesitation and after a long discussion about their friendship, they decided to give a romantic relationship a try.

In June, things got infinitely better.

As everyone was standing on the Platform, waiting for the Hogwarts Express to arrive and take them home for the summer holidays, Remus had broken Evan Rosier's nose and warned him to stay away from Sirius. It was very uncharacteristic of Remus, who was generally passive and controlled, and it seemed to serve as a warning to anyone who dared to taunt or harass the fallen heir (or any of the Marauders, really) that it would not be tolerated.

Sirius didn't need protecting. He could handle himself. But Remus defending him made him fall just a little bit in love with the other Gryffindor. He had received very few slurs in their seventh year – and those that he did get, he dealt with himself.

Looking back, Sirius realised that Remus had always been there for him. Even back when he had been an absolute prat, Remus had always treated him with kindness, like he wasn't a Black, like he was just a normal person. Befriending Remus had changed him for the better and he supposed he had James to thank for that. He wasn't going to thank him, though – overinflated egos and all that.

On reflection, he realised that if he hadn't been sorted into Gryffindor, he might not have met James. And if he hadn't met James, he might not have befriended Remus. And if he hadn't befriended Remus, he might not have known what it felt like to be loved unconditionally for who he was. If he hadn't known Remus, he knew for a fact that he would have been a memory a lot sooner.

"Padfoot, why are you staring at me?"

Sirius started and frowned at his werewolf whose eyes were still closed but whose lips were quirked upwards, as if he was amused.

"I wasn't," he denied, wondering how to explain his staring away.

James had once admitted to watching Lily sleep and Peter had called him creepy. Remus had not said anything, and Sirius had not admitted to doing the same (but with Remus). Personally, Sirius thought it was romantic. He had only been caught once by Remus and, luckily, he had been able to explain it away with a quick: 'Morning, Moony! Happy Birthday!' But this time...

"Sure," Remus snorted, opening his hazel-amber eyes and watching the fallen heir carefully. "If you weren't staring, then what were you doing?"

"Just thinking."

Remus hummed and shifted onto his side to stare at Sirius head-on. "What were you thinking about, then?"

"Nothing important," Sirius replied easily.

"Ahuh..." Remus nodded and asked, "And the real answer?"

"Just..." Sirius sighed and debated for a moment before he finished, "Just you."

Remus frowned. "Me?"

Sirius nodded.

Remus's frown deepened and he asked, "What about me?"

Sirius sat up and crossed his legs, taking Remus's hand in his own and choosing his words carefully. "I was just... I was thinking about you and us and our history together," he replied. "I was thinking about how much of a prat I was in first year and how important you are to me. And I was thinking about sixth year and the Divination Tower. And when you broke Rosier's nose."

Remus stiffened slightly, always tensing whenever Sirius's depression was mentioned. Sirius couldn't help but wonder if it was because his boyfriend thought he was going through it again. He wasn't but he knew that it couldn't be avoided sometimes. It was the way he was built. He had strong emotions and they could be intense, but he knew that as long as he had Remus and his friends, he was fine.

Remus pushed himself up into a sitting position and asked, "Why were you thinking about that?"

Sirius shrugged, "Because it was my lowest point, and I just..." He paused and looked up, grey meeting hazel-amber. Then he added, "I didn't think help would come in the form of a person, but there you were..."

Several emotions crossed the werewolf's face, too fast for Sirius to understand them all, but he hoped that Remus took the confession what it was: thank you; I need you; please don't leave me.

"Sirius..."

"You saved me, Moony," Sirius interrupted. "I was just thinking about how lucky I am to have you and how if I'd never met you, my life would be a lot worse off."

Silence reigned over them after the confession, the pair just staring at each other.

Remus was so neutral, his eyes analytic but his face passive. In that moment, Sirius desperately wished he could read the other student as well as Remus could read him.

To Remus, Sirius was an open book; easy to read – even when he was trying to hide his true feelings. To Sirius, Remus was an enigma: aloof and guarded and indecipherable. Remus was always polite and Sirius could read him sometimes but most of the time he was as clueless as everyone else. He had spent seven years studying the werewolf and he was only beginning to understand the other student.

Sirius stared down at Remus's hand and held his breath. He didn't know what Remus was thinking but he quickly found out.

In one swift move, Remus placed a strong hand on the back of his neck and pulled him into a lingering kiss. He understood what the kiss meant: it was a show of thanks; a reciprocation of his confession; a substitute for the words they had yet to say to one another. It was perfect and Sirius returned the lip-lock eagerly, hoping to portray how truly grateful he was for Remus Lupin's existence.

After a few seconds, Remus pulled back. "You saved me too, Padfoot," he admitted. "If I hadn't met you, I couldn't say for certain that I would still be here today."

Sirius smiled, his heart aching at the connotations behind Remus's words. He understood what Remus meant but he couldn't help but see the silver lining: he and Remus had saved each other. He couldn't help but think of their relationship and how good it was: the perfect balance of give and take.

Wanting to show Remus how much his words were appreciated, Sirius gently pushed his boyfriend back against the pillows so that Remus was lying down again. He then climbed under the sheets and rested his head on the other student's chest, mindful of the colourful bruising across Remus's left side. He pressed a quick kiss against Remus's arm and let his head rest over Remus's heart, taking solace in the steady thump, the reminder that Remus was alive and that he was not alone.

Sirius had meant it when he said he hadn't expected help to come in the form of a person. Truthfully, he hadn't known help would come at all. He had been spiralling and he hadn't expected Remus to be the person he most trusted. But it made sense, he supposed. After all, he and Remus both knew what it was like to be judged. He and Remus both knew what it was like to be shunned for something they could not help and had no control over. He and Remus had both seen darkness. He and Remus understood each other like no one else.

Sirius hadn't expected to find help, but he was ecstatic that it came to him in the form of Remus Lupin.

On reflection, Sirius found himself glad of everything that had happened in his short life, the good and the bad. From being sorted into Gryffindor House to being disowned from the House of Black, from being publicly outed and being bullied mercilessly to feeling so low that he was ready to throw himself off of the Divination Tower, he wouldn't change a thing because, without all of that, all of the pain and the anxiety and the anguish, he mightn't have met Remus Lupin or known what true happiness felt like.

On reflection, he didn't regret a single thing that had happened.


End file.
